The Long War (in the corner)

[dorchadas]

Today we had a bit of a war.

We do time outs for Laila, and she'll usually take them seriously but sometimes she won't. But today, Laila--in a fit of overflowing emotions, we think--kicked sashagee when she was trying to tell Laila not to wear her new princess shoes on the hardwood floor, and then when sashagee asked for an apology, Laila hit her. So she went to the corner and I went over to sit with her and make sure she would properly apologize. Meaning, that she says what she's apologizing for, because while we understand her and we know she didn't mean it, other people, especially other kids, don't understand her and are not going to understand that.

And we were there for four hours.

We think the big problem is that she didn't want to admit that she hurt mama. She would easily say "I'm sorry mama!" and then when we asked "for what?" she would say "for... for... for..." and get increasingly more panicked and emotional each iteration until she started crying. When we first went into the corner, she was like "Oh I'll just say I'm sorry and get out" and was laughing and trying to stand up and she got quieter and quieter as she realized that I was treating this very seriously and she would not be allowed to stand up (except for potty trips) and would have to sit here until she apologized properly. And after she first time she stalled out when going over to apologize to sashagee, I told her that she would have to tell me what her apology was going to be first before she went over to mama and she wasn't happy about that at all.

In the end, we got there. She never did say "I'm sorry for kicking you" but she did say "I'm sorry I won't hurt mama I promise," which helps confirm our opinion that she was hesitating because she felt so guilty. And while I wasn't there in the evening because I had another event, sashagee told me that Laila spent the rest of the evening giving her hugs and kisses.

Is this going to be a magical breakthrough? Of course not, Laila is three. But teaching her that hitting and kicking is not a valid way to express frustration is very, very important, especially since she's starting preschool in the fall. If that means I have to sit with her for hours and hours, I will.

Comments

[abyssal_sylph]

Yeesh! I'm glad you two stuck to your guns on getting Laila to learn violence isn't the anwser. But I imagine it wasn't fun :( But that's part of parenting.

[omnipotent]

Aww. I’m sure having to sit there for four hours wasn’t fun, but it sounds like the lesson stuck.

[aguart]

I'll take the risk of sharing my opinion. I think a 3–4-year-old child still can’t fully grasp the concept of “guilt.” That’s why they don’t understand what they’re supposed to apologize for. And I don’t think punishing them or making them stand in the corner until they say the “right” apology is a good practice. I believe it’s better to explain more, rather than force them to say “what you want to hear”
I had exactly the same situation with Oleg.