The Long War (in the corner)

[dorchadas]

Today we had a bit of a war.

We do time outs for Laila, and she'll usually take them seriously but sometimes she won't. But today, Laila--in a fit of overflowing emotions, we think--kicked sashagee when she was trying to tell Laila not to wear her new princess shoes on the hardwood floor, and then when sashagee asked for an apology, Laila hit her. So she went to the corner and I went over to sit with her and make sure she would properly apologize. Meaning, that she says what she's apologizing for, because while we understand her and we know she didn't mean it, other people, especially other kids, don't understand her and are not going to understand that.

And we were there for four hours.

We think the big problem is that she didn't want to admit that she hurt mama. She would easily say "I'm sorry mama!" and then when we asked "for what?" she would say "for... for... for..." and get increasingly more panicked and emotional each iteration until she started crying. When we first went into the corner, she was like "Oh I'll just say I'm sorry and get out" and was laughing and trying to stand up and she got quieter and quieter as she realized that I was treating this very seriously and she would not be allowed to stand up (except for potty trips) and would have to sit here until she apologized properly. And after she first time she stalled out when going over to apologize to sashagee, I told her that she would have to tell me what her apology was going to be first before she went over to mama and she wasn't happy about that at all.

In the end, we got there. She never did say "I'm sorry for kicking you" but she did say "I'm sorry I won't hurt mama I promise," which helps confirm our opinion that she was hesitating because she felt so guilty. And while I wasn't there in the evening because I had another event, sashagee told me that Laila spent the rest of the evening giving her hugs and kisses.

Is this going to be a magical breakthrough? Of course not, Laila is three. But teaching her that hitting and kicking is not a valid way to express frustration is very, very important, especially since she's starting preschool in the fall. If that means I have to sit with her for hours and hours, I will.

Comments

[dorchadas]

Every child is different, but sashagee says she always notices a change in Laila's behavior after if she's done something to hurt mama where she's more cuddly and gives more hugs. And Laila usually does know what to apologize for even if we don't point it out and will mention it when we say "for?" or something similar. It was just this specific instance that she hit a block.

But it's also hard to tell. Is she just reacting to sashagee's moods and giving more hugs when sashagee seems upset? But she often knows what she's not supposed to do, because when she threw one of her toys and hit me and I said "ouch!" she said "I'm sorry abba" and gave me a hug, and then when I asked her "for?" she said "throwing toy." And just as I was writing this, she was pushing mama with her legs and mama asked her to sit on the floor, and when she apologized she apologized for "kicking leg" (which we never said, so she's not just repeating after us).

On the other hand, she'll still often simply refuse to answer our questions, so it's very hard to tell what she's thinking. Kids are hard.

[aguart]

But yes, you are absolutely right every child is different. Good luck to you, and to us... %)

[dorchadas]

We will definitely need it.