Reining in my bubble
2019-Apr-12, Friday 08:41![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dorchadas
So I'm talking with someone on Hinge and I asked her on a date. She said yes, we set a plan for Thursday after work, and then tragedy struck one of her friends (a child's cancer diagnosis 
). She said that she hadn't showered or put on makeup that morning because she had been on the phone with her friend, and I took the hint and asked her if she wanted to reschedule. She said yes and suggested a time later that same day. It didn't work out--I had therapy, and so I suggested 9 p.m., but that was too late for her due to her job requiring her to get up very early--but I took it as a very good sign.
Plus she messaged me first, and when I offered a couple book recommendations (Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and the works of H. P. Lovecraft), she immediately checked them out from the library, so she's clearly into me, or as much as she can be through just text. We tentatively have a postponement to Saturday, barring news about one of her friend's birthday plans.
But! That isn't really what this post is about. What it's about is that sometimes while we were messaging, I had an extremely strong aversive reaction. Like, the hope that she'd just leave me alone, that she'd stop talking me--that she'd ghost me, basically. I'm not sure where it came from, and I knew it was irrational, so I ignored it as best I could. I've read enough about ghosting, and how even people who hate being ghosted and think it's a horrific aspect of modern online interact still do it because it's such a tempting way of avoiding any conflict. I've read about women saying that want to do something nice for men they're interested in, something small like sending them a link and saying it reminded them of him, but they're afraid it'll scare him off so they artificially pretend like they don't care until they can be sure he won't run. Like approaching a wild animal, slowly, palms out.
But I refuse to be part of the reason that everyone complains about online dating. I didn't wait excessively long before replying to any of her messages, I didn't try to be artificially neutral or strip any tone out of my replies, and I used exclamation points. And that's part of what pushed me to ask her on a date after a couple days of talking rather than draw things out, I think, so in that I suppose it was a good thing. But I'm still concerned about it.
I told my therapist about it, and she didn't directly address the cause, but she did indirectly address it in her advice. The first actionable advice she's ever given me, actually--she told me that when that voice came up in the future, that I should tell it that it's okay. I don't need it to protect me anymore. That I will be fine without it, and that I can handle my life on my own. That I may have experienced betrayal (her word) in the past, but I don't want to cut myself off from connection in the future. She's right. That kind of overreaction is just going to make life harder.
I will try to take her advice, and hopefully go out for drinks on Saturday.
). She said that she hadn't showered or put on makeup that morning because she had been on the phone with her friend, and I took the hint and asked her if she wanted to reschedule. She said yes and suggested a time later that same day. It didn't work out--I had therapy, and so I suggested 9 p.m., but that was too late for her due to her job requiring her to get up very early--but I took it as a very good sign.Plus she messaged me first, and when I offered a couple book recommendations (Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and the works of H. P. Lovecraft), she immediately checked them out from the library, so she's clearly into me, or as much as she can be through just text. We tentatively have a postponement to Saturday, barring news about one of her friend's birthday plans.
But! That isn't really what this post is about. What it's about is that sometimes while we were messaging, I had an extremely strong aversive reaction. Like, the hope that she'd just leave me alone, that she'd stop talking me--that she'd ghost me, basically. I'm not sure where it came from, and I knew it was irrational, so I ignored it as best I could. I've read enough about ghosting, and how even people who hate being ghosted and think it's a horrific aspect of modern online interact still do it because it's such a tempting way of avoiding any conflict. I've read about women saying that want to do something nice for men they're interested in, something small like sending them a link and saying it reminded them of him, but they're afraid it'll scare him off so they artificially pretend like they don't care until they can be sure he won't run. Like approaching a wild animal, slowly, palms out.
But I refuse to be part of the reason that everyone complains about online dating. I didn't wait excessively long before replying to any of her messages, I didn't try to be artificially neutral or strip any tone out of my replies, and I used exclamation points. And that's part of what pushed me to ask her on a date after a couple days of talking rather than draw things out, I think, so in that I suppose it was a good thing. But I'm still concerned about it.
I told my therapist about it, and she didn't directly address the cause, but she did indirectly address it in her advice. The first actionable advice she's ever given me, actually--she told me that when that voice came up in the future, that I should tell it that it's okay. I don't need it to protect me anymore. That I will be fine without it, and that I can handle my life on my own. That I may have experienced betrayal (her word) in the past, but I don't want to cut myself off from connection in the future. She's right. That kind of overreaction is just going to make life harder.
I will try to take her advice, and hopefully go out for drinks on Saturday.
no subject
Date: 2019-Apr-12, Friday 16:48 (UTC)Your therapist's advice is very true and very touching, good luck on your date :) Good for you for putting yourself out there again!
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Date: 2019-Apr-12, Friday 17:10 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-Apr-12, Friday 17:04 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-Apr-12, Friday 17:09 (UTC)I am leaning toward the latter at the moment, but I'll see if it crops up again in the future.
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Date: 2019-Apr-12, Friday 17:43 (UTC)Good for you not playing that game, even if it's skulking in the shadows...
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Date: 2019-Apr-12, Friday 20:06 (UTC)And I mean, that is part of why I'm in therapy. So I have a trained professional's help in dealing with the demons.
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Date: 2019-Apr-12, Friday 21:42 (UTC)Also, nice book recs. :)
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Date: 2019-Apr-14, Sunday 17:25 (UTC)They're good books.